Well, sometimes I ask to myself, who I am, what I'm doing with my life, etc.

But I'm just a not ordinary guy who feels alone and lost in this world.

I don't like this world, how it is, how people is...

Sometimes I said to myself I'm not from this world XD

I don't like how people kill each other, how they hate others, how they steal whatever you had, how generations are going even worse than the last generation, how they judge others, how they are so arrogant that they think they're better than others...

But I cannot talk so much, since I'm full of hate and I'm judging people as you can read.

It's easy for me to hate people, because what others do to me affects me more than they think. I'm a sensitive person, I can almost read your mind, specially if I know you.

I know what can hurt you, and what can make you happy. I'm able to put me in your side, so I feel sorry for others so easily.

But in the other hand, if someone hurts me, I'll never forget, neither forgive.

This is a problem, because it makes me live with hate, and doesn't matter how many years passed, I'll remember everything by just seeing your face. It will be like if you're doing it again.

So I have a good memory, and this is what makes me hate you forever. Also I remember the good things you made me and usually I put the good and the bad, and I see which one has more weight. If you made good things to me, I'll try hard to forget the bad things, if not... I'll hate you for the rest of your life.

This is so bad, but maybe it serves you, than even words have consequences.

I'll never forget good things, but if I catch you talking so bad about me when I'm not present, I'll feel you're a traitor.

And this is why things hurt me so bad, because I like to trust in people. But if you betray me, it will be so difficult to make me trust in you again.

I understand all people is different, but I don't like lies and arrogance.

If you don't like something about me, let me know, just say me "I don't like this, because of this", but people usually don't do that, they prefer tell to others because they don't have enough value to say it in your face.

Sad, but there are worse things in this world. And those things hurt me even more.

People killing childs, torturing animals, stealing the fruits of the hard work others did... The list is very large.

But there are good things in this world. And I guess there are the same quantity of good things than bad ones.

We just focus on bad ones and don't appreciate the good things this fucking world has to offer.

Also, when we see bad things, the good ones are useless for us. You cannot appreciate the sky if you're sad.

But let me say, the sky is a piece of art, and every day is a new piece of art.

Just try to do things that make you happy, and don't let bad things hurt you.

When you worry about something, all the time you are worried is wasted time.

I'm a crazy person, or at least, not like what are you used to see.

My personality is loved from some people and hated from others, but I really like to be different to most of people.

I can love so much, and I can hate so much, I guess I'm much good as bad, at the same level.

I'm a sensible person, but this world forced me to be hard, cold, and bad.

I've learned that if you're good with everyone, people will start to abuse this fact.

So what I've learned is to be like them, be bad, cruel, and selfish...

Once you are bad and cruel, if others know that you are, they'll respect you.

When I was a little child, I was so innocent, you could lie me just because I trusted you, I had no bad thinkings, I didn't knew what is to be bad.

But people showed me what is to be bad, so I learned and I've turned to be a very bad person.

A violent one.

Now I'm changing again, and I'd like to be like how I was when I was young, but this is impossible because my mind is twisted. I saw so bad things, that now I just can expect bad things from people. I said to myself " If you don't expect anything from anyone, you'll never be disappointed ".

But something inside me wants to trust people. Wants to recover faith on humanity.
Maybe you laugh at reading this, because it's hard to have faith in humanity.

The world is shit, but it's our own fault. If you don't like bad things, don't make bad things, and specially, don't return bad things. We follow the rule of "eye for eye", this is sad, because it will never improve anything, you're just contributing to make this world worse.

I'ts hard to don't return the bad things, but is harder to live in a world like this one.

So, if you want a better world, you need to work for it. You can think that one person can do nothing to change the world, but we are part of the world.

Choose good friends, don't stay with bad people, they'll incite you.

Life can be nice. There are people who are really fucked in their life, but they are happier than most of people... Why? just because they don't let bad things hurt them.

I need to learn this, I need to learn to don't let the world hurt me.

People will be judging me no matter what I do, I just don't care. You cannot live thinking in what others will think. If you are however you are, does not matter if others don't like it ( as long you are not fucking other's life ), let them blaming alone.

Also, I'm vegan. I guess animals have feelings, I see they can feel love, hate, and fear.

I understand if you are not vegan, you won't like my arguments, but the same way I'm not coming to your house and burning you, don't blame me xD.

I hope you at least can understand that animals want to live, and their life is not yours. If you have right to live, they have more.

I became vegan because I saw chineese guys killing dogs, but they weren't only killing them, they were making their lives a hell.

I saw how those dogs were living with fear, every time the chineese man enters to this "room" (it was like a prison with bars) those dogs were scared. I guess the dogs were thinking "Will be now my time to die?", the chinese man took one, and killed it in front of the others.

Since I can put me in the side of other people, I can feel a bit of what they felt.

And, please, if you think animals have no feelings, try to study a bit.

Try to guess if you say this because of your ignorance, or because you want to shut up your awareness.

So I've thought, oh man... I hate this people, how can they do that to those poor dogs?

But then something talked to my mind: "Why are you judging them?" "Aren't you doing the same with pigs?" "So you think a pig is food and a dog is a pet?" "Who says it?" and so on.

Then I thought: "Meh, If I don't eat them, it won't change the world, they'll still dying, and not only die, but suffering and fearing all their lives.

One thinking in my mind was "It really compensates the life they're living just because you want to eat them?"

And my answer was nope.

I understand you might think yes, but of course, I won't share your way of thinking.

And If they'll still suffering, then why do it?

"It won't change the world" I said.

But then I said: "It will change my world".

And yes, it changes the world. It helps others to consider it.

Some people think that they're not responsible of their death. Oh man, sure you are.

If a king orders to kill someone, the murderer does it.

Who is responsible? the murderer, or the king?

You know. Both.

So, aren't you even paying for this death? then of course you are responsible.

Because the murderer kills them just because he knows you are paying his salary.

Even worse if you buy death animals, and throw them to the trash.

Other thing I thought while I was thinking about this was: "Oh man, you can get sick if you don't eat death animals"

At this moment, I said to myself: "I don't care" "I prefer to die than continue doing this"

And just for your fucking information, I'm not sick, and I have no problem at all after 5 years.

I understand people won't change by just reading some words, so I'm not trying to change your mind. I would like to do that, but I understand I just cannot achieve this.

Because... there is no more blind than who does not want to see.

Hope you could understand that even an ant life has it's value. And human life, if you think about, have less value than the life of an ant. XD

I know you go crazy by reading this, but... Who contributes more to this world? you or an ant?

Of course you're able to contribute to this world a lot more than a simple insect. But... are you doing it?

Aren't you doing the other way around? Aren't we helping to destroy this world? Even vegans do that.

If you think about, the human is the cancer of this world. If no human was never in this world, It won't be like it's now.

And, If you make the life of others worse, aren't you in debt with the world?

This is why I say one ant, has usually more value for this world than a person.

The ant at least is not fucking this world like we do.

Sorry about those words, I know that those words can offend you.

Try to understand that I'm not aiming to offend you, just explain how I am.

Also, I'm not thinking I'm better than you. I just feel sorry for animals, and I think it's wrong to do that, so I won't do it, neither contribute.

There is no need to do it. If it was a need, vegans won't exist.

It's just so difficult for you to don't eat death animals, and this is why you'll work hard to throw all arguments in order to shut up your mind.

Also, a lot of people agree, but does not care at last. If they felt something, it lasts 5 minutes.

It's like when you're dying and you say "I won't drink anymore" XD


Also I believe in God. ( yes, this page is full of polemics, but you're reading who I am ) I didn't. And using logic you'll never be able to believe in it. When I was young, I thought: "Oh, poor people believing in God, they're wasting their lifes in nothing" "They just need to stick in something because they cannot afford the idea that there is nothing once you die" and so on.

Also I was attacking all people who believed in God. The thing it made me so difficult to believe in God was: "What kind of person can see how a child is being abused and killed and do nothing?" "How can God see this and stay doing nothing?" "So there is no God"

And other trouble I had was that I'm gay. ( Yes, more polemics xD )

I have not choosen any orientation. Being gay it's not like you wake up someday and say: "Ok, from now I'll be gay". Nope.

If I could do that I'll choose to be bisexual and fuck everything.

So my main question was: "How can God force me to be gay, and then punish me for this?"
Fuck logic, then there is no God.

Also, if you could notice, homophobia comes from the church. If there is not much homophobia this days, it's just because there is not much faith on God. (Also where they still retaining homophobia they still retaining the faith in God)

But, what kind of religion could hate me for being gay if I had never choosen that?

If I could choose, I'll be bisexual or maybe hetero.

One of my worst problems in my life is when I think that I will never be able to form a family.

I'm a protector person, I can give my life for others. I guess I'd be a good father.

And I guess that, because I understand how important is the education of childhood.

I had no familiar structure, everything broke, and no one was telling me what to do, no one was guiding me, I had lost my father as a reference ( and I think this is the reason I'm gay, but not all gays are gay because of this )

As I said, when I was young I didn't knew what it was to be bad. I just trusted everyone because I wasn't expecting anything bad from them.

But someday my father was so angry with my mother and he threw a mirror to my mother ( it failed ). I was there, watching and not understanding. I never had seen bad things before, and that day broke everything.

From that day, I wasn't able to respect my father.

But I loved my father, he was my hero. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be a father, wanted to know the things he knows, etc.

So, I just couldn't afford that day. I've tried hard to forgot that fucking day, but my memory is so good.

This is why I started to be addicted to weed. By smoking weed I could fuck my mind and pretend that day was never happened.

I've tried to forget that day, and I did. My childhood is fuzzy because by trying to forget that day, I forgot almost all my childhood too.

Then my father went to live in the next town, and I was asked for who I wanted to live.

My father tried to sell me the idea that we'll live in a new house, everything will be nice, fun and whatever he tried to say.

I accepted, I loved my father, he was my hero. I blocked that day, so it never happened.

The problem was in that day, I lost my father as a reference. I wanted no more be like him. He turned into a monster.

But, I blocked that day, so it was in my mind, but was not.

I've lost the respect of my father, but I was not knowing why. I've just pretended everything was like before.

I didn't knew everything comes from that day until I noticed when I was an adult.

I see this like an infected wound. I just pretended it will heal. But an infected wound needs to be cleaned from inside, if not, it never will heal. It will be worse and worse every day.

I've buried this wound, pretending I had nothing. I came to live with my father.

My father was working all day, and had no time to take care of me. I was practically alone all day. I made my dinner, I made everything for myself, I had no sense of family.

No one said me what I should do, so I did whatever I wanted.

By doing whatever I wanted, I was not going to school, I was every day more addicted to weed, because weed made me feel better. All problems faded if I had weed.

My friends were my family.

So every day I was with my friends, I have a lot of good experiences with them.

When my father arrived so late at night, he just said: "Why do you that?" "You are punished for not going to school" and so on.

He couldn't afford my education ( because he had no time ), and the fact I had lost him as a reference influenced a lot.

Maybe If I would have continued having him as a reference, things should be different.

But you just cannot pretend the education of your son will grow if he is alone all day.

So the only thing I had from my father was punishment for what I have done.

No love, no good words, nothing at all, just punishment.

This made our relation worse every day. I was used to have him talking, but not hearing him.

So with the time, it arrived the day I just felt nothing for him. Nothing at all.

He came drunk one day and asked me something, I don't remember exactly what, but it was about our relation.

I said to him: "I just feel nothing for you"

He started to cry. I feel sorry for him, but it was the truth. Our relation was just breaking every day and getting worse.

Not much time later, he sended me with my mother. My mother said to me: "Oh man, I was so happy and now I need to take care of you"

I thought: "WTF?" "How can dare you to say that to your son?"

But I said nothing. Nothing at all.

I was thinking: "Meh, now you are here, so fuck with you"

But it hurts a lot. Time passed from this day, but I'll never forget that.

My mother just doesn't loved me. My father took me out from this house.

I felt lost.

I was lost my entire life. But someday my life changed. Now I still feeling lost, but it's like I can see some light and I hope someday I'll be happy

This is a bit of my life. A lot of people told me I should make a book of my life.

My life is so weird, I did a lot of things I'm not saying. But now you know a bit of Who I am.


BTW I need to say sorry for my bad english, I'm spanish, and our english sucks.

I live in Barcelona

Here you have my fucking mail if you want to say something

vms@usa.com